I’m about to give you the truth that no one wants to give you. Seriously.
Some people sugar-coat it to make it easier to digest, but the time for “easy to digest” has long past. You’ve been there, you’ve done that, you get it, but no one’s ever given it you with impact. To make you feel it. To make it that eye-opening punch in the gut.
I want to be a real friend to you, and real friends are helpfully honest.
And I almost don’t wanna say it – but here it comes – because it needs to be said.
Chances are some of your friends & fam are holding you back & you don’t even realize it. 
(Unless you’re Jen Gresham, who fired her father, or Jay-Z who drew a line with his friend.)
***
***
Claim your value or you’ll be treated poorly by default, ’cause people don’t just randomly worship someone who doesn’t know what they’re worth.
Let’s say you feel your time is worth $100.00/hr, and you hang with people who expect you to travel to them, split the bill, and to “pick your brain” & benefit from your presence at zero cost to them – and without them bringing a clear, powerful form of value to the table for you…
That’s you… being de-valued... again.
Check it.
You probably have about 150 ‘active’ connections, and let’s say… 15 ‘close’ friends + family.
How may of those friends and family actually, truly, deeply respect you and value your time at $100.00/hr?
Do they treat you with the same respect they use to treat $100.00 concert tickets? Do they treat you with the same respect that they treat an appointment with a $100.00/hr lawyer?
Or do they treat you like chump change?
And a better question… do you let them?
They may join you one day, but waiting won’t help them. At all.
People keep their friends & fam on probation for like… ever.
If you were a manager and you had an intern, how long would you take to train him?
If you had a continually unhealthy girlfriend/boyfriend, how long would you ‘wait’ for them to start living healthy?
If you had a ‘poor’ friend and you were busting your ass to lift them up, how long would you let that go on?
Months? Years? Forever?
If your friends dreams are very different from yours, it’s gonna feel awkward; you’ll have bland conversation. You’ll feel friction. You won’t have that child-like feeling of “yeaaah! my friend and I connecting!”
Because you can’t.
Friendships take two, and shared hopes + dreams are key.
Don’t have that with your peeps? Then admit it and stop trying to force it or drag it out.
Or you know, keep the empty shell of a relationship on life-support, “do all the work”, and watch your friend continually settle for ‘playing small.’
Ew.
P.S. This tip applies to family, too. Fun times 
I wanted to triumph over sleep, milk more joy out of life, and build empires. I wanted to talk about bigger things, express myself and impact the world through legendary contribution.
So… they happily gave me ‘a bit’ of money, ‘a bit’ of support, invitations, ‘love’, etc. so long as I played small and stuck to the life we were all used to.
Please.
When I wanted to experiment with ballsy ideas, when I was homeless, when I hung around with entrepreneurs and people “outside of retail”, they stopped even trying to meet me or connect with me, and that’s fine.
We didn’t really have much to talk about. We had different hopes, dreams and beliefs.
In fact, that’s awesome– that’s the way it should be.
Because you don’t want shitty friends + family anywhere near you. You really don’t.
*** Shitty friends’ll crush dreams faster than anything else I can think of – and they won’t even realize they’re doing it.
TVs influential, books are influential… but your friends? Your friends are insanely influential.
And some of them – oh watch out – some of them will say allll the right things. They’ll manipulate you with emotional words that could trick a lawyer.
Am I trying to blame your friends or ‘ruin your social life?’ Well, you can see it that way if you want.
Is it more likely that I want you to have the tough but powerful conversations that people avoid?
Is it more likely that I want every human being to be surrounded by people who match them truly and ryze together?
There exists some people close to you, who just want to keep you around, ’cause you’re positive and success-focused, and they’re not, and neither are their friends.
Some ‘friends’ want your value, but they don’t wanna match it.
It’s bullshit, and you deserve better.
Stop settling for people who don’t even intend to change, and want to repeat the same manipulative patterns over and over.
Surround yourself with awesome friends.
I repeat: surround yourself with awesome friends.
And hey… if you need a friend, someone who cares, connect with me at Ryze. Post a comment, use the contact form, add me on twitter, whatever.
I’ve yet to find someone who dreams bigger and loves deeper, (though I’m more about co-operation than competition.)
And there you have it, the cold hard truth delivered with all the warmth, passion, and realness I can summon.
Rock on and ryze up guys.
(Unless you’re Jen Gresham, who fired her father, or Jay-Z who drew a line with his friend.)
J felt soooo popular. He felt so loved. Maybe you’ve been there. You’ve got friends, family, support systems. You know that no one’s actively out to get you, and you’re ‘safe’ from the world. But what if the people around you were a slow-poison? What if you were a frog and the water was gradually getting hotter? See, J was like… super-smart. Beyond smart. He was genius. He “got” things, and got them fast – as long as he was paying attention. He was also extremely generous. He delivered excellent art, writing, and insight to any project anyone was doing, unprompted and enthusiastically. Now that’s giving. So what’d the school population think of this? They f***ing loved it. They loved him at their parties. They loved him in their group work. They loved him everywhere. Music hall kids, jocks, tech-geeks, philosophers, goths, skaters… even the teachers loved him. Who wouldn’t? “Hey check out the generous smart guy, let’s hang with him!” So he was very popular, people loved him, but for all the wrong reasons. And he was making it worse every day. Until… To be continued.
Real friends value you, a lot.
You gotta value your time. I’m talking every. single. second. Value it. Every moment’s precious. Value it. How? I’m glad you asked. You value your time by NOT spending it with people who give you their minimum effort. I’m not kidding– if I catch you spending time with a single human being who disrespects your value– I’m coming to where you are and slapping you. Hard. Spend time with people who truly value you. Now, this is tricky to do if you aren’t clear & comfortable on what you’re worth. Dunno what you’re worth? Well, make it your number one priority. Don’t go and stuff your face. Don’t go nap. Don’t surf another window – Figure out what you’re worth, because no one else will do it for you.
Claim your value or you’ll be treated poorly by default, ’cause people don’t just randomly worship someone who doesn’t know what they’re worth.
Let’s say you feel your time is worth $100.00/hr, and you hang with people who expect you to travel to them, split the bill, and to “pick your brain” & benefit from your presence at zero cost to them – and without them bringing a clear, powerful form of value to the table for you…
That’s you… being de-valued... again.
Check it.
You probably have about 150 ‘active’ connections, and let’s say… 15 ‘close’ friends + family.
How may of those friends and family actually, truly, deeply respect you and value your time at $100.00/hr?
Do they treat you with the same respect they use to treat $100.00 concert tickets? Do they treat you with the same respect that they treat an appointment with a $100.00/hr lawyer?
Or do they treat you like chump change?
And a better question… do you let them?
For example, I’m easily worth the $500.00 an hour I charge (at time of writing), and I’ve no problem being clear and comfortable about that. I consider that a deal. It’s real, it’s me, and that rate will go up like it always has. Why? Because a rare consultation with me will blow the doors wide open for you on tons of taboo topics you wish someone would explain. I’m unique, I’m deep, and there’s no competition for what I bring to the table. I’m a rockstar urban shaman, a wise man for a digital world, and people are happy to pay for what I offer. My testimonials speak volumes.D’you see how I express about myself? D’you see how I naturally know who I am and what I’m about? I know my value. You may not be where I am yet, but do you wanna be? Because you can. It’s easy. And yes, it was scary the first time I claimed my value. And that’s okay.
Too many human beings are wandering the world with Not Even A Clue about their Economic Value.
Exercise: Grab a piece of paper. Imagine someone who doesn’t have you in their life.
They have other people. Maybe they have a bunch of haters.
Everytime they do something in their business, or they celebrate at a party, or whatever, let’s say each experience of theirs is worth $100.00 to them.
Could you make their life better? Could you make their experiences worth more?
How much more valuable and joyful would their life be if you were in it? What do you bring to the table? What would you expect them to happily pay?
Write down what you really feel your time is worth. That’s an amazing first step.
Supportive friends head your direction.
Let’s say you want to be rich and famous, master your own destiny, and rock life and all your friends want to settle for ‘whatever job’ they can get, stay as comfortably numb as they can and marry whatever wife/husband likes them first — what support are they really gonna offer you? Chances are for some relationships, your directions in life are totally different. I know you wanna believe they’re not. Go ahead then. Believe you’re going the same direction when you’re really not. I wish you luck with that. They’re heading west toward Settle-Down-Lane and you’re heading east toward A Life Of Options. Be honest:- When things get tough are your people gonna share their deep, personal stories where they faced death and realized their dreams, inspiring you further, or are they gonna keep the conversation shallow?
- When you have a new entrepreneurial idea, are they gonna engage you on the topic and dig deep to help you sort out the details, or are they gonna change the subject?
- When you need someone to believe in you, stand firm, and extend a true hand, free of pressure, are they gonna step up and do that, or tell you “they’re sorry”?
They may join you one day, but waiting won’t help them. At all.
People keep their friends & fam on probation for like… ever.
If you were a manager and you had an intern, how long would you take to train him?
If you had a continually unhealthy girlfriend/boyfriend, how long would you ‘wait’ for them to start living healthy?
If you had a ‘poor’ friend and you were busting your ass to lift them up, how long would you let that go on?
Months? Years? Forever?
If your friends dreams are very different from yours, it’s gonna feel awkward; you’ll have bland conversation. You’ll feel friction. You won’t have that child-like feeling of “yeaaah! my friend and I connecting!”
Because you can’t.
Friendships take two, and shared hopes + dreams are key.
Don’t have that with your peeps? Then admit it and stop trying to force it or drag it out.
Or you know, keep the empty shell of a relationship on life-support, “do all the work”, and watch your friend continually settle for ‘playing small.’
Ew.
P.S. This tip applies to family, too. Fun times
On a piece of paper (yes, paper), list your 10 closest friends and relatives.
Beside each name write down a # from 1-5.
1 = VERY different dreams from you.
5 = TOTALLY same dreams as you.
It’s as simple as writing a grocery list — which I’m guessing you have some experience with. So do it 
You might be surprised
(Did you skip this exercise? Could it be because you’re choosing to stay AFRAID of a simple 2minute writing exercise? Hmm…)
You might be surprised
(Did you skip this exercise? Could it be because you’re choosing to stay AFRAID of a simple 2minute writing exercise? Hmm…)
Your team travels at your speed.
Okay, so maybe a lot of your friends and fam have similar dreams and goals as you – awesome! They even value your time, so you’re golden right? Hah. Then why are you still reading this post? I thought so. See, it’s not enough for them to value you and have same aims. There’s something else that’s vital. Life’s a journey (everyone gets this, right?) and on that journey you need people who travel at a similar speed. Quick! Take a breath. Right now! Feels good right? Well, if you hang with people who aren’t truly comfortable with your pace in life, then they’re never really ‘breathing,’ they’re always “trying hard” to keep up with you (or slow down for you). That’s not good for them, or for you. If you’ve gotta keep taking your foot off the gas to babysit someone who’s scared to move quickly around the turns, you’re gonna a) not get as far as you’d like in life b) be miserable and c) keep your peeps settling because you never inspire them to ‘catch up’. You can’t inspire them to catch up, if you’re always slowing down to go beside them. If you wanna inspire people, you need to do everything you can to put your pedal to your personal ‘floor’, and stop worrying if your friends’ cars & driving skills are up to the pace. That’s their business. I know because I’ve been there. I’m a trailblazing game-changer but I spent years of my life hoping, praying, wishing, waiting, encouraging, praising, appreciating and having faith that my ‘friends’ and ‘family’ would join me on my journey. Nope. They wanted 9-to-5. They wanted picket fences. They wanted shallow conversations, gossip, and settling. They wanted to avoid skipping sleep. Ever. They wanted to avoid creating something and then watching the market reject it. They wanted to avoid failure. They wanted Mommy. These are fully grown people I’m talking about, y’know? They wanted to “save up” for “a single vacation”, they wanted to “make 10k more a year”, they wanted to stay with their shitty friends, and they wanted me to stay with them. These people are all capable of SO much more, and they aim so damn low it hurts.
I wanted to triumph over sleep, milk more joy out of life, and build empires. I wanted to talk about bigger things, express myself and impact the world through legendary contribution.
So… they happily gave me ‘a bit’ of money, ‘a bit’ of support, invitations, ‘love’, etc. so long as I played small and stuck to the life we were all used to.
Please.
When I wanted to experiment with ballsy ideas, when I was homeless, when I hung around with entrepreneurs and people “outside of retail”, they stopped even trying to meet me or connect with me, and that’s fine.
We didn’t really have much to talk about. We had different hopes, dreams and beliefs.
In fact, that’s awesome– that’s the way it should be.
Because you don’t want shitty friends + family anywhere near you. You really don’t.
Let ‘Em Go
So, back to the shocking conclusion to our story.You may be wondering what J did with all his popularity? He realized it was all fake. It was a trick. It was holding him back. It was people who were happy to suck his value, but only if they didn’t have to grow or contribute more than the bare minimum. That’s not the kind of popularity he needed. He threw it all away. Over the next 7 years, he trimmed out every needy, clingy, half-assed ‘supporter’ out of his life. And he did it in a very magical way. He didn’t want conflict. He didn’t want pressure. He liked smoothness. He liked harmony. And he wanted these people to either jump whole-heartedly on board, as real badass friends, or for them to just be gone from his life. He knew he might end up alone, and he made peace with that. Hopefully not, but he faced the truth and admitted it was a possibility. And he did end up alone — not what you wanted to hear, right? Well, almost. There was one real, true soul, who extended tons of support, who believed in him. He found his real friends, and he used a trick that helped so much. The trick was “Principles, not people.” He decided that he’d adopt some principles and stand for them. He made sure that they were powerful and beautiful, and one’s he’d be proud to have. Then he expressed them to each of his friends and the next time they connected , as best as he could and he let them decide if they fit his principles, or not. He paid attention to their actions and responses and their lives, because when you believe in principles, you live them. They’re impossible to hide.And he was proud of those principles, and so he checked to see if people’s actions told him what they were about, and anyone who didn’t feel clearly aligned with those principles, he gently let go. And letting them go set him free. It looked like he had no support systems, and no friends. It looked like he lost it all. Looks are often deceiving, don’t you agree? Because instead of losing it all, he gained himself, and found out who really believed in him. He found out who’d bet on him and have faith in him. And gaining yourself is worth more than all your fears combined.
- He decided to hang with people who had consistent passion and didn’t allow time/money issues to hold them back.
- He decided to focus on harmony + contribution in his relationships, and to hang with others who did the same with consistent action.
- He decided to hang with people who were focused on mastering their lives with consistent action instead of being victims making excuses.
- He decided to hang with consistently positive people, instead of complainers.
- He decided to hang with people who consistently had a “do what it takes” attitude instead of “do the bare minimum attitude.”
TVs influential, books are influential… but your friends? Your friends are insanely influential.
And some of them – oh watch out – some of them will say allll the right things. They’ll manipulate you with emotional words that could trick a lawyer.
Am I trying to blame your friends or ‘ruin your social life?’ Well, you can see it that way if you want.
Is it more likely that I want you to have the tough but powerful conversations that people avoid?
Is it more likely that I want every human being to be surrounded by people who match them truly and ryze together?
There exists some people close to you, who just want to keep you around, ’cause you’re positive and success-focused, and they’re not, and neither are their friends.
Some ‘friends’ want your value, but they don’t wanna match it.
It’s bullshit, and you deserve better.
Stop settling for people who don’t even intend to change, and want to repeat the same manipulative patterns over and over.
Surround yourself with awesome friends.
I repeat: surround yourself with awesome friends.
And hey… if you need a friend, someone who cares, connect with me at Ryze. Post a comment, use the contact form, add me on twitter, whatever.
I’ve yet to find someone who dreams bigger and loves deeper, (though I’m more about co-operation than competition.)
And there you have it, the cold hard truth delivered with all the warmth, passion, and realness I can summon.
Rock on and ryze up guys.
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kita
So many people don’t know how to be a friend and that’s where it starts. I don’t have but 3 good ones that I would die for everyone else I will pass. A friend is rare these days at least real ones. Great post
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Interesting point, Kita.
I agree with you, it certainly *seems* like so many don’t know how to be a friend.
But what are people being taught in their early years? How to be a real friend or math, english, and how to play video games & watch TV?
What skills do we give to our youth?
Not only that, here’s more food for thought — isn’t Caring About Others and Being A Good Friend a natural human instinct & understanding? Does it need to be taught?
Hmmm…
Great discussion topics here
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Lisa
Love this post, so true. Only some many people will truly stand by you no matter what. The rest run away or fade away. It can be sad but stay with those that are true and enriching to your life. Reminds me of an old movie I watched last night “Trading Places” where he had a party with many people over and did not like it – they weren’t his “true” friends. He threw them all out!
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Sonia
LOL! Yeah that is one of my favorite movies with Eddie Murphy. All those fake people there for what he had to offer, but didn’t really care who he was. People are a trip when they there is something in it for them. That’s when some people lose touch with reality and fall victim to “new sudden friends”. I had a friend go through that with money and he eventually lost everything. Who was still there when the dust bowl subsided? Me. People never learn until its too late.
Twitter: LogAllot
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Lisa! I love the pop culture reference
Very true.
You make a good point, and when you think about it how many “deep” relationships can a single person’s lifetime hold? 3? 30? 300?
Thanks so much for contributing
I think we’d have friendlier world if more people read this — please share it!
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Sonia
Wow! Awesome post Jason. Talk about straight to the point. I loved this! Friends…I don’t have many, but I know who they are. It took going through a mess in life to figure it out, but one thing
I always remember is a quote from Maya Angelou:
“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
This has saved me from a ton of heartache from “people” I thought were friends in my life. I try to be very watchful of people and I am not perfect because I have made my fair share of mistakes, but sometimes standing back reveals allot. With some people I am instant friends and with others, there is always this “nagging” feeling that something just isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.
Trusting my intuitions has taught me allot, but cultivating my real friends has saved my life.
I know as many people as the next person, but I “stay in reality” in knowing who likes me and who don’t. I respect those that have the guts to bring stuff to me rather than talk about me behind my back. Those people actually turn out to be my best friends and people I love the most, but then there are those that are always “debbie-downers”. Those friends I run like hell from and distance myself from them because no matter what: they will never be happy.
I remember being told once that people will love you for what have, but won’t accept you for what you are. What a scary thought that is.
Jason, epic post. You know how I feel about you. Thank you!
Twitter: LogAllot
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Yeeaah! Awesome comment, Sonia!
Glad you’re feelin’ it.
I love the Angelou quote, very powerful
“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
Amen to that.
I also LOVE your focus on trusting your intuition and your gut. I’d LOVE more people to do this.
As for people loving you for what you have… — I’ve dealt with a LOT of that in my past, and to me… that’s not love, that’s dependency on you for wealth and luxury that they feel they CANT create themselves.
(but they can…)
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Sonia
Thanks Jason. I am just glad I realized how to deal with people in my life and people in my past. I want people around me that want better for themselves, but not a that cost of selling out or being fake. Maybe I am just too nice, but I will kill you with kindness and walk away if you cross me. Now if someone pisses me off…I won’t be nice and I never like taking that kind of behavior. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff and I would rather be around people that know me inside and out and remind me when I need to come back to reality. Those friends are priceless and need to be locked up with a key to keep safe.
Twitter: LogAllot
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
“I want people around me that want better for themselves, but not a that cost of selling out or being fake”
Pretty much nailed it there
Good for you Sonia, and you set a great example for others.
My hope is that this reaches some people who are ready to solve their ‘negative “friends” ‘ issues
Twitter: ryzeonline
Carol Lynn
As always, I love your direct no-nonsense style, Jason. I had mixed feelings reading this because one part of me is saying, “Yeah! Bastards. Go away.” And the other part of me is saying, “But I can be the person who makes the difference to help lift people up out of bad/negative thinking.”
I think that anyone who sucks the energy, joy and life out of you and gives nothing in return is not your “friend” anyway, although we apply that term so loosely and liberally. I agree that we have to evaluate our relationships and cut loose the ones that are continuously dragging us down.
I also think there is a place for those less-than-stellar relationships that perhaps don’t help us rise up, but certainly help us keep things in perspective and also give us the opportunity to help others. These are the type of people who may be stuck, or just unable to see things differently – but there is still possibility and hope.
We didn’t all get successful by hanging around with negative people who drag us down. And those people will not get successful if all the people like us desert them. I’m not saying slow down and wait, but I still think there’s a place for being the inspiration for those kinds of people.
So there are 2 kinds of “bad friends”. The ones you need to stop calling friends because they are simply on a completely different and unhelpful path, and the ones you still see a glimmer of hope in who may not be helpful but could still be HELPED. Know what I’m saying?
On that note, clingy wannabes who hang out with you for the sake of their benefit and no one else’s, well those are just clingy wannabes. You can ignore those with determination.
I also completely relate to those picket-fence 9-5 type of situations because that was the way I grew up. This is how things were “supposed to be”: you went to school, you got a job with benefits, you bought a house and had kids. The end. Gives me chills to think of it yet that’s the way an entire generation defined success.
Fast forward to today, and all the doors and opportunities to blaze your own trail, and many people still can’t understand that. That’s fine for them, but it makes me crazy when to this day, people I know still lament that I don’t have a job with “a pension plan”. C’est la vie! I will never convince them and I don’t try. So they do what they know and I do what I love and that’s it!
I’m a big advocate of “going your own way” so as long as we keep doing that, it’s all good.
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Woo! Carol Lynn! Thanks for the deep and personal response.
Very good ideas here, and you’ve touched on something important.
For a good chunk of my life, I believed that MY positivity, and MY belief, and MY power could affect someone else.
I felt like I could inspire people and lift them up.
And I do, possibly deeper than anyone else I know lol! And it feels wonderful.
BUT… and this is an important but…
I can never, ever, ever, ever, ever do it unless THEY co-operate. They have choices, they have power, they have a role, they have to WANT to be inspired.
Huge important point.
Because I invested years of my life and money in people who truly were not at a co-operative point in their life, they did not want to be inspired, they wanted to manipulate others into a free ride as long as possible.
And that’s okay too, but then it becomes important to acknowledge:
1. Yes, I am an uplifter, I inspire.
2. I want to uplift YOU
3. You are very clearly not co-operating, and focusing on solutions, and that is a deal-breaker.
Does that ring any bells?
More on this insane story here: http://ryzeonline.com/painful-withdrawal-from-a-different-kind-of-addiction
And yes… each generation has a new definition of success, lol, it’s funny when others can’t see it
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Jason “J-Ryze” Fonceca recently posted..Rap Is The New Shakespeare
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Carol Lynn
No doubt, if you don’t get “cooperation” it’s deal-off. I do know what you mean about the moochers who just want your constant help without helping themselves. It’s really easy to get sucked into a bad habit where you’re not helping, you’re just enabling someone to be a loser at your own expense
I’ve definitely cut off a few of those. And it didn’t even hurt!
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
We agree!
And no surprise there, Carol Lynn.
Disempowering others at our own expense under the disguise of ‘uplifting’ is a funny thing
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Sonia
There was a person in my life years ago that I stayed friends with because I felt sorry for them when I looked back. There was really nothing positive about the relationship and no matter how much I helped, it only seemed to get worse. That was when I had to just let go and not look back. I think we all have the best intentions when trying to be positive with friends and uplifting them too, but there comes a time when you have to let some people go or it ends up bring you down in the long run. Great comment Carol!
Twitter: LogAllot
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
I totally hear this, Sonia.
Made me a new man.
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Ken Pickard
Wow…powerful post. I like your reference to the quote… “Principles over people.”
There are so many people who will be your friend when it benefits them or you’re on top of your game sort of speak. But true friends are the real deal.
I heard a joke one time that a good friend will help you kill someone and a best friend will help you bury the body. Kind of morbid but you get the jist.
Ken Pickard
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Thanks, Ken! I appreciate it.
Hah, I’ve had a lot of people enjoy that line, and the funny thing is, I’m quoting myself lol.
I’ve heard the bury the body thing too — hilarious and it brings the point home
Thanks for sharing
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Twitter: ryzeonline
Sonia
Funny, but it has some real meaning to it. Real friends are hard to find these days and it doesn’t mean that the friends you have are any less, its just when times get rough or you go through something drastic, it’s funny to see who is still hanging around. Thanks for your comment Ken!
Twitter: LogAllot
Mitch Mitchell
Wow, not what I expected coming to read this, and I knew Sonia had gone off her rocker until I realized she didn’t read it. lol
I’ve always gone off the theory that your best friends are the ones that support you. I’ve also gone off the theory that those were the people I let into my life to begin with. So I don’t have a pool of people I have to let go to push forward because those were already the people in my life.
What this means, of course, is that I have to deliver, not only for myself but for the faith they all have in me. It’s a daily struggle and has been for 10 1/2 years, but I do it for “us”. Great stuff!
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Hehe… count on me to keep things jumpin’, Mitch
Glad you’re feelin’ it, thanks so much for weighing in.
I highly recommend you’re route (ie: let only the best ‘in’)…
…Thing is many, many people have default friends they ‘let in’ from childhood or whatever, so this is more aimed at them.
Sounds like you have a handle on it, respect to that!
Rock on and ryze up!
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Twitter: ryzeonline
Sonia
I knew you would get a kick out of this post! How are you Mitch? I meant to send this post to you, but got tied up with other stuff at work. Glad you enjoyed it!
Twitter: LogAllot
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Looks good on ya Sonia, no need to hand deliver ’cause your blog is ballin’ enough for people to seek out
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Mitch Mitchell
It showed up in CommentLuv in your last comment on my blog so I had to come over. Nothing but trouble, you.
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Sonia
LOL! You crack me up. I love the way you use metaphors in your posts. When I see posts that are different in character I just have to read it. Thanks Mitch for checking it out. I knew you get a kick out of that one.
Twitter: LogAllot
Donna Merrill
Wow this post blew me away. This is much needed to be heard. When I first started a brick and mortar business 30 years ago it was “fear” which made me take on clients I wasn’t comfortable with…one year later. I had to get rid of the people which I call “blood-suckers” because they were deleting my energy. I was up front and told them “Sorry, I cannot work with you anymore.” That is it! No explanation I wasn’t there to be their mommy or therapist. If they weren’t growing they had to go.
I do the same thing on line. There is a form I have people to fill out if they want to work with me. I know my value and I know that many people would want to work with me so they can get the quick fix. NOT…They must be willing to work.
OK I’ll stop ranting.
As for family – it is a hand in their face for me. I try not to be harsh and do understand where they are coming from. But I was always the odd ball. Always the Entrepreneur. And that is taboo in a working class family. I moved to several states just because when I was young. My family never supported me emotionally, but that is their journey not mine.
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Bottom line, I refuse to let anyone bring me down. I like to play with positive people and do not measure people by the amounts of money they make, but rather the amount of heart and passion they have.
Oh boy you got me going on this one, so I’ll stop here. You get the message.
I know I am worth a certain amount of money for my time. I do have a sliding scale basis for people. I do give away a lot of information when I want to who I want to give it to. (I have a passion to educate young troubled kids and also the elderly)
I want to see people being financially free just like me.
Thanks for this awesome post.
Donna
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
I love it, Donna!
I love when something I’ve shared stirs up such passionate (and positive) emotion + expression.
You and I seem to have some similar stories.
I’ve had to fire clients, big time. Some very well-paying, some not, but that’s beside the point. “If they’re not growing, they gotta go.”
I’m the only entrepreneur in a working class family as well, and a large family at that.
They were super supportive in many ways… until I chose this path
No big though, like you said, their journey, not mine
I’m thrilled you shared here, and you’re right, people need to hear this. If we can get it onto someone’s best of list or something… hmm….
Twitter: ryzeonline
Sonia
I loved this Donna. I use to work for a company many years ago that fired quite a few toxic customers. No matter what you did for them, they were never happy and it seemed like once my company “allowed” them to get away with bad behavior the first time, it just escalated from there. I actually got the opportunity to tell one of them that we no longer wanted their business and they could find another company to make them happy if we were such a pain in the a– as one would always say. You should heard the “silence” on the phone. They changed their tune real quick, but I was told to terminate the relationship, refund the customer and we were done. They tried to come back after they couldn’t find another company that gave them the best service as we did and we denied them each time.
Eventually the owner asked my boss why we fired them and he said, “I don’t have time to work with customers that don’t want to work with us. We strive to make each and every customer happy and obviously you weren’t so it was best you go find a company that made you happy. That was a great day and another reason why you always have to nip sh– in the bud the first time. Great comment Donna…glad you liked this and I love how it fired you up too!
Twitter: LogAllot
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
I’ve done this same thing many times in my own businesses, with ever escalating stakes, up to the point where I was walking out on CEOs.
Now my brand has become much clearer and what I will and won’t accept are as well, which means I turn-off uncommitted people before they even reach me for conversation or meetings.
Whew!
Twitter: ryzeonline
JanB
Friends. Ready or not, here’s ‘the’ definiton: “a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection, and loyalty; an intimate”
I believe the keyword here is ‘Loyalty’. At least that’s the way I see it. No loyalty, no friend. Simple as that. But that’s just me, I guess.
Twitter: janbierens
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Interesting definition, JanB. Mine uses different wording but it’s pretty much the same thing
What’s the definition of loyalty? Bury a body?
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JanB
@Jason: Or get buried with it…
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Sonia
Well said my friend. Loyalty is everything and most times people have their silly definition of what that truly means. Friends stick together and weather the storm when times are bad. The best part is knowing they really are. Thanks Jan!
Twitter: LogAllot
Sonia
Loyalty these days mean allot especially with all the hard times people are going through these days. I think toxic friends bring us down and when they stab us in the back and it brings people down even more. If they aren’t loyal remove the disease and you will be all better. I loved your comment Jan!
Twitter: LogAllot
HiMY SYeD
As my Grandfather told my Dad whotold us,
“If you rip off the World, I might forgive you. But if you rip off yourself, I will never forgive you.”
They meant when we shortchange ourselves, compromise on the best deep down know we are truly capable of, merely to please someone, or something, outside of ourselves, that is unforgiveable.
We’re ripping the World off of OUR Very Best.
To wit, when I was 16, my dad handed me the keys to the house before rest of the family left on a summer trip. He simply said,
“No company, is better than bad company.”
He was right.
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Sonia
Wow now that was deep. You had an awesome father and he gave you very good advice. I was one told, “if you hang out with trash, you will be trash” and they were right. Sometimes the company we keep is a reflection of ourselves because we ultimately end up mimicking what we know. Great comment Himy!
Twitter: LogAllot
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Himy, you really nailed it
Grandfatherly wisdom is pretty powerful, for the most part (not so sure they’d have the best input on technology
)
And yes, ripping off oneself is basically the cause of most unpleasantness in life
Twitter: ryzeonline
Sylviane Nuccio
Hi Jason,
First off, too many people spend to much time with losers. I’m sorry to call people losers, but by now If you haven’t heard of self development and stop saying ridiculous things such as “I can’t afford it”, “I’m broke”, “I’m old”, “I can’t, I can’t, I cant”…. maybe something really wrong with you
If you have any friends like that, you need to try to get away from such people, because, they are bringing you down with them.
Then, they are the very, very dangerous friends, sometimes they are family members, which make them ever MORE dangerous… I am talking about the ones who bring your down with mean and demeaning comments. Such friends are no friends at all and no one should be around people like that.
Thanks for this great article, again. Very great stuff
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
I totally agree Sylviane, and I wrote this because I had lots of friends like that.
I made it clear I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of language so they came up with new words.
“I will”, “one day”, “I’m trying”, “one more chance”, etc.
I fell for that for awhile, until I realized — you can ALWAYS tell when someone’s heart is in it — if YOUR heart is in it.
lol, I think you were more blunt + direct than I was — thanks for your awesome comment!
Twitter: ryzeonline
Julie
Jason,
You had me laughing at “list 10 people..”! Ten? I would be hard pressed to do that (would have to include my small children, maybe?)
The fact is that I do have a handful of near-and-dears who lift me up, but circling it bigger than that would require adding in my intuitive blogging buddies. When people find out that you are changing careers from 9-7 business to become a psychic intuitive, they either run in fear or call you every minute
You just cannot allow people who are not in the ballpark of your wavelength into your life or you doom yourself. You pointed that out exceptionally well. Family, including spouses, is the toughest of them all – in those cases, you have to make some tough choices or decide to roll with it. Best one can do is to be aware.
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Sonia
Welcome Julie! Girl I know the feeling. Family and I love mine, can wear you out if you let them. I think putting things in perspective and how much you allow them in your personal space determines how much they will get on your nerves or not. Once you allow people to start treating you badly, and you don’t nip it in the bud the first time, you give them the right to treat you like crap. My mother always say with family and friends, always let them know where you’re coming from. Thank you Julie for supporting Jason with your awesome comment and taking the time to read it.
Twitter: LogAllot
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
You got it, Julie! Definitely– what you said about wavelength rings true.
Thing was for me, I thought my wavelength was pretty positive, so I could certainly uplift others, right?
No.
Uplifting TAKES TWO. It takes someone co-operative. It takes someone at least close to your wavelength.
And that’s the clarity I was aiming to bring here, and you just helped me do it
Love discussions like this — one of the realest on the net, I’d say
As for the 10 ppl, I bet if you looked at your facebook, it wouldn’t be as tricky to list 10 as it seems
Twitter: ryzeonline
Cynthia
Hi Sonia,
What a power message. Thank you so much. I needed to read it twice because I just want to make sure that everything that you stated was funny absorbed and I could implement it in my life immediately. Thank you for being honest and making me understand the importance of me!
Cynthia
Twitter: richlymiddlecla
Sonia
Welcome Cynthia, that was all Jason! I know what you mean and I did the same thing. I laughed allot, but it had meaning and truth behind it. We are all different and we are either thick-skinned or not. I get my feelings hurt like the next person, but I don’t put up with any BS either. Thanks girl for your comment, support for Jason and taking the time to read his post.
Twitter: LogAllot
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Thanks so much Cynthia + Sonia! I’m really glad people are deeply absorbing what I offer, because I continue to refine my wisdom and expression.
I love making an impact, and feeling the support.
The whole community here rocks.
(Though I’m wondering if I need to make my name bigger, and in lights
)
Rock on and ryze up!
Twitter: ryzeonline
Shelon
This is a very catchy post, Jason. I like the way you presented your views. It’s great to be helpful because it will endear you to people, but you should know how far you will go to help because you also have your own endeavors to take care of. Friendship should be a win-win situation, so that nobody gets abused and every party benefits.
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Thank you, Shelon, I love comments like this
And you really cut to the heart of things — helping people is what many of us are taught — but it’s a fine art, not something to just do.
And aiming for harmonious, win-win relationships is fantastic!
Twitter: ryzeonline
Shelon
I couldn’t agree more, Jason
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Dee Ankary
Amazing post.
It’s tough, really tough to put a value on yourself, but the rewards once you “get” that, are immense.
Friends: lots of people come wearing that disguise. We know in our gut who the real ones are, but our ego always gets in the way …
Thanks Jason for laying it out like that. Really hits home.
Dee
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Sonia
I agree on the value part, but I think people have to have faith and belief in the product they are pushing or it just won’t work. I struggled with that in the past because I hate the idea of coming off like a cheesy salesman, but I know that if I want to make money I had to believe in me. Thanks girl for supporting Jason and leaving a comment. So glad we connected!
Twitter: LogAllot
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Thanks Dee, I really appreciate it.
And almost everything in life comes down to how we value ourselves, I find.
Do we value ourselves enough to live life on our own terms or not?
Twitter: ryzeonline
Adrienne
Hey Jason,
Good to see you back here at Sonia’s place.
I’ve dwindled my friends list down quite a bit and have been doing that over the past seven years I guess. Long time friendships too, I ended.
The ones I have remaining aren’t on the same path as I am but they believe in me, they support me, they are there for me and they value my time. They may not totally understand what I’m here to accomplish but they back me100% and those are my true friends.
I’m also extremely thrilled to say that I’ve now met even more people online since starting this journey that I can now include within this circle too.
What a great feeling.
Wonderful post and great message, as always.
~Adrienne
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
A pleasure to be here with you all, truly
I totally hear you on the whittling down of friends (7 years for me too*)
What you said about them not being on the same path, I generally feel that when people are able to back you 100% (without full understanding) — they ARE on the same path.
The path of the badass
Rock on and ryze up, miss.
Twitter: ryzeonline
Sonia
I have done the same thing Adrienne. I have very few friends, but when I was in my early 20′s you think you have “many”. Glad I got wise with that and now have friends that matter. I just believe in treating people good and hope that karma treats me good in return. Thanks Adrienne for your support for Jason’s post and your awesome comment.
Twitter: LogAllot
Paul
Really inspiring post Jason!and you totally hit the nail on the head!you drove the point home directly…very impressive!I agree with you and the rest of the commentators,that true friends are hard to find!but once you get atrue friend,keep them close to you because you may never know!!!Keep up the great work Jason!you have really encouraged many out there…me included….
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Thank you so much, Paul. Your response is like fuel for me!
It’s awesome for people to inspire and make great things, and it’s just as awesome for others to recognize it and be inspired
Thanks again!
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Mayura
Hmmm… It was a long read for me and full of exercises. I’m tired to comment here now.
Just kidding
But some of ‘em are TRUE…
Really enjoyed your post Jason. Nice writing and presenting of content
The “FRIENDS”, all around me wasn’t closer to my interests but yet they are really helpful in many other ways. It showed me from your exercise too. But still they just wanna hang out and talk about things I’m not really interested in. So I had to work on my own. Lately I’ve found few AWESOME friends online, walking on the similar pathways as I am. They were really really supportive. Surrounding with AWESOME friends always help us to see our true value and a great way to speed up.
My believe is always our SALVATION is in our hands. And AWESOME friends always know it. They let us go find our SUCCESS while they’re on their dreams and NEVER let us down by comparing or hating us. But they never AGREE with us all the time. ‘Cause they are honest and never let us get into hot water.
Just we have to work out our own SALVATION and AWESOME friends will be your SALVATION ARMY
But we still need to BEWARE of Voldemort, who wanna take advantage of us.
Thanks Jason and Sonia
Cheers…
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Mayura! Wonderful comment!
Your story sounds similar to many, and I’m glad you got clear on your path.
I have very similar feelings on salvation, it’s in our own hands.
I love how you’re focused on success, and hopefully you make even more friends at Logallot or RyzeOnline
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Nicole
I love what you wrote. I can’t tell you how eye opening this year alone has been with discovering what level of friends that you have in your life.
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One of my closest friends, a true friend, once told me you train people on how to treat you. If you don’t value yourself, how on Earth with anyone else? You are your advocate. You determine your value. Don’t ever let anyone else other than yourself determine that for you. You are a rare commodity! There’s only one of you….
Great post. Can’t wait to rate my friends. &;)
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Thank you, Nicole! I love what you wrote too
Your friend is very wise — we DO train people how to treat us, and we start doing that at a very young age.
Sometimes, we realize we trained everyone in a way that doesn’t help so much, and taking a stand and re-training is an interesting experience
“Rating” your friends can sound a bit strange, but the only way people can make decisions, is if they have a clear understanding of their feelings, and what’s most important to them.
The exercise helps you get clear on your feelings and priorities in friends — it’s very valuable, most people aren’t clear and it shows in their results
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Micah
You really have great ideas in this post that are worth pondering. I guess that we have to let go of certain people so that we can reach our own potential.
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
I really appreciate it, Micah, and you got it — to me LIFE is a process of continual letting go, and death is the ultimate letting go
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leah stobe
When i read “And a better question… do you let them?” all i could say is wow. that is the main problem i have while people can’t tell me i’m not dipped in gold. i let them treat me like i’m not, i throw myself under the bus.. hmm
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Leah, this is really impactful, thank you.
I love seeing people value themselves, and I’ve ‘thrown myself under the bus’ more than enough for many lifetimes
Let me say, you’re in good company here, and you rock, Leah. Please act like it.
Your dreams and desires and wants matter, they’re healthy, and you deserve to have people around you who are ENTHUSIASTIC and SUPPORTIVE of them. Act like it
Rock on and ryze up!
And if you want a hand changing your relationships, you can check out this post:
http://ryzeonline.com/transforming-destructive-relationships-as-easy-as-improv
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Simon
Nice censorship in the url
Anyways, I feel like you’re preaching to the converted. I’m very self reflective and realise that a lot of things that people (including my parents) say to me actually try to put me off from doing things that have made me successful. If I’d listened to my parents, I wouldn’t be running a successful leadership blog, it’s as simple as that.
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
That is verrry cool to hear, Simon. We need more like you
What did your parents advise you and what did you do?
P.S. I’m very success + leadership oriented myself
Rock on and ryze up!
Twitter: ryzeonline
Sherry Pringle
“My hope is that this reaches some people who are ready to solve their ‘negative “friends” ‘ issues.” (raises hand)
I’m so glad I stumbled upon your post. I tend to get attached to my friends and their potential. I think in the past I have unconsciously waited for them to catch up with me but had to move on and felt like a bad friend. I just moved to a new city and let go of more “friends” and currently seeking new awesome friends. It’s been so hard for me because I love to connect with people on a deeper level and I don’t want to end up with friends that are not bringing value into my life. By value I mean support, motivation, love, genuineness, and true friendship. I’ve heard the value in knowing your worth before but, I just realized that even though I’ve taken the time to do some serious self-exploration, I don’t know my true worth yet and by me not knowing my full worth, I keep attracting shitty friends. I really got to get it together. I know I’m a great friend and awesome relationship coach, but I’ve been feeling stuck. I think me getting to know my worth is the next step I need to take right now. Thanks for sharing your thoughts so boldly! I love topics like this!
Twitter: SherryPringle
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Sherry, you’re beautiful. Your story’s beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this
It doesn’t matter where you’re at, or where anyone’s at, if I can help someone understand their own value more, I’m thrilled, and I know it helps them and everyone around them.
It sounds like you understand what true value is for you, and you’re focused on that, and how it relates to your own self-worth. Fantastic.
If there’s anything I can do to help, shoot me a Twitter DM or contact me at http://ryzeonline.com/contact
Twitter: ryzeonline
Sherryl Perry
Hi Jason,
I’m a first time visitor here and this was not what I expected. Then I realized that Sonia hadn’t written this but you had. There’s a lot of truth to what you’ve written. I know I’m guilty of under valuing myself but I’m at the point where it’s not my friends and family that take advantage of me. Sometimes, I simply give away my services. In the end though, I’m a strong believer in karma and I truly believe everything will work out for the best. Maybe I’m just naive.
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
I’m glad to make an impact on your first visit to Logallot, Sherry. You’re in fantastic company
I aim for truth in what I write, so I’m glad that’s coming through.
Also, thanks for your positive and optimistic view, I love it!
Under-valuing self isn’t a “bad thing” exactly, it’s just a phase pretty much everyone I’ve ever known goes through.
People are born, people die, and people under-value themselves for a while, no big
I also believe in karma, but probably not the way most people imagine.
For example, to me, karma’s never an excuse to continually give away services for ever and ever, never acting or speaking as if they’re valuable, when they totally are
I’m reminded of this mini info-graphic I made:
http://ryzeonline.com/wp-content/uploads/pearls_before_swine-email.png
Twitter: ryzeonline
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
And I totally meant, Sherryl, not Sherry, who commented above you
Ryze up!
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Lara N
Unfortunately, the people who most bring me down are my own parents (and I’m 44!). My father never reads my blog yet is constantly rubbing in my face every miniscule thing my 4 other siblings do, and my mother who does read my blog – G-d help me if she doesn’t like what she reads, she will verbally and in writing rip me a new one – I’ve never gotten flamed as badly as what she does! One time hurt so badly I couldn’t blog for a few months! Even now, I write with one eye looking back over my virtual shoulder, self-censoring to avoid her wrath. If my blog wasn’t so established, I’d be tempted to trash it and start fresh and never tell her the URL.
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Sorry for venting, thanx for ‘listening’, and thanx for the article you posted. It’s made me more determined that when I publish the stories I’ve written, I’m not going to tell either one of them about it – I can do without the soul-crushing I’d be in for, even if the rest of the world thought my stuff was great.
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Lara! What a heartfelt post, and I’m glad you felt a safe vibe here.
I totally understand, and have been there myself.
I’ve been blogging on various blogs for 7 years, and I many of my immediate and extended family have never said a positive word about it, lol.
I see it as a good thing though. I believe that children come to Earth to teach the parents and family, and that usually plays out by them being ignored/discouraged by certain family members, then boldly succeeding on their own terms, and then re-uniting.
Not saying it has to go that way, but it’s sort of a common path, and one I made peace with.
Pursuing them doesn’t help so much, but succeeding on your own terms, works wonders
If I could offer any advice at all it would be this:
There are many human beings who transition to a new blog, “established” or not.
Jon Morrow for example, started fresh from zero for BoostBlogTraffic.com, with JUST a coming soon page for months
He launched with 10,000 subscribers ready to go.
Admit that yes, it’s possible, and yes, it may actually work for you, and yes, there’s a solution out there waiting for you
Anyway, thank you so much for your honesty, being here, and setting a powerful example.
Attracting the attention of people who dont “get you”, and seem unlikely to any time soon, is NOT a recommended way to improve quality of life
So good for you for taking a stand!
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John Exami
I was guilty of this myself, but as soon as I have learned my worth and like what you said “put in table”, I thought life is too short for those people who do not see my value, I’m unique, witty and intelligent. Thanks for this post I will share this to every people I value.
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Thanks so much, John. I’m so glad to hear about your growth and journey, and I’m thrilled that you’re doing your part to keep this post in mind, and share it with others it might help.
We’re all in this together, and I love seeing people succeed!
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Brian D. Hawkins
I like your style of writing Jason, absolutely top shelf! We’ve heard for years to never do business with family and friends but social media and the power of the web have blurred the lines that separate our business and personal lives.
I’ve had several friends and a couple of family members ask me to build them a website. I gave that a shot twice before, donation my time, and it turned out to be a complete waste of time – my time.
I’m not sure that it’s friends/family not valuing our time as much as not understanding what it takes to fulfill their little off-handed requests. Hours of work lost because they liked the “thought” of having a website (or whatever) and never gave a thought as to what it means to update, promote and actually use the tool.
There’s a reason we have websites and blogs and they don’t – we’re willing to work at it. I have a standing policy now… I refer them to one of my web design/social media/marketing etc. friends. They aren’t so eager to request unwarranted time when they realize they have to pay and that’s how we see exactly how serious they are in their quest.
I love this topic, I wish I had thought about it.
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Lol! Thank you so much, Brian, I really appreciate it.
And it’s funny you bring that up, because what often happens is that friends DE-VALUE the economic value of each other, like in your examples.
I say it doesn’t have to be that way, but it means understanding your own value, claiming it, and making it clear to everyone
I’ve “mixed” business and friends my whole life, and it’s gotten me pretty far.
Have I been burned? Yep, more than most people I’d say. lol. I’ve done the same website stuff you’ve all done, and lots more.
I’m also blessed to know who my real friends are, and many of the “mistakes” people make when navigating the forest of business + friends
Twitter: ryzeonline
Lara N
Brian, lol!
I’ve gotten asked twice to set up websites – and I’ve had to give up both times after just 20 minutes. In the first case, it was a family member who was practically breathing down my neck and criticizing everything I was doing, and the second case, a friend of a friend, it became clear that instead of just the fine-tuning she’d claimed she wanted, that she actually expected me to do everything from scratch, as well as take on managing her site, updating, writing the blog fro her (wasn’t my niche, either) AND marketing and promoting it heavily.
She had a fit when I suggested that she find someone who could take on all that as a full-time position. Said she didn’t want to pay anything – so I suggested she take a look at fiverr.com. Never heard from her again – thank G-d!
Thankfully the friend who’d referred her to me took it pretty well and we’re still friends – especially since he no longer asks me to help others with their websites 
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Lara, you, Brian and I all have similar experiences with this stuff.
Yours is a great example of how taking a stand and being clear with people works out wonderfully for you, even if it seems scary or confrontational
Rock on!
Twitter: ryzeonline
Sabrina Sabino
Ironically, I sit here reading this…and I’m waiting for someone who wants computer lessons (for free). I waited for her for 1 whole hour yesterday and she told me “oops I forgot”…and now I’m waiting again. These are the type of people I’m exposed to in my life and doing what I do. It gets annoying. Where and how do I even begin to tell someone that they are no longer welcome in my life because I’ve been disrespected and undervalued so much?
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Sabrina, that’s a pretty powerful story, and I’ve been there MORE than enough
I can give you actions you can take and words you can try but — they WILL NOT WORK — unless you value your SELF.
For example, I’d say this:
“X, I care about you, and because I care, I want to share something with you. I value myself, my time, my work, my teaching and my expertise. I also value *your* interest, and I want to see you do well with computers, but it doesn’t help anyone if I encourage people to keep me waiting around, to teach them, for free.
So as it stands, I’m gonna take action and create some space in our relationship. I can try and point you in the direction of someone else.”
Again, I can’t stress this enough, you won’t be able to pull this off well until you believe you’re valuable, and decide nothing’s worth feeling sh***y.
Twitter: ryzeonline
Sarah Jane
Great post! Your questions though made me look inward at myself and had me ask, “How can I be a better friend?” The biggest way is to not change to subject to myself and not keeping the conversation shallow by talking about the weather and that’s it.
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Sarah Jane, this is one of the best responses I’ve seen
Thank you so much for this, it’d be a LOT easier for people to feel valuable with friends like you, who are focused on improving
I love it.
Twitter: ryzeonline
Jacb Cody
I totally agree. I’ve had to let some “friends” go from my life because they no longer added value to my life (and I’m not talking money.) I’ve also had to drop friends who were energy suckers and drained me.
Jacb Cody
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Jacb, this is pretty common
go a
When we grow, our friends have a chance to grow with us, or to remain stuck, or to go a different way.
We’re taught to CARE so much about friends and family going the same way as us, at the same time, and the same pace — and when they don’t we usually get upset.
Instead I recommend just letting them go, like you did. Great stuff!
Twitter: ryzeonline
Jane
This is the most unusual post I’ve read in recent times. I’ve a few very good friends. But I did say the world works mostly on give and take policy. And the fast we accept it, life will be really easy.
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Thanks Jane, then mission accomplished for me
And yes, give and take does play a major role in things, and accepting that is key, but 1-way relationships in my experience don’t last very long, and are usually painful if they do
Thanks so much for adding to the discussion
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Thanks so much, Joretta!
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James
Hey, Jason! Easier said than done. Surrounding ourselves with awesome friends is a hard thing to do in online. I’m not saying in real life it’s easier, but in online it’s hard to establish what a person really wants from you and before you know it, you find a dozen of fake friends (moreover, fake identities) in your buddy list.
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
I dunno, James, for me it just took practice.
I’ve had to make “hard calls” and embrace “conflict” with people I care about so often it’d make your head spin lol.
I wrote this to help people do it a bit easier: http://ryzeonline.com/transforming-destructive-relationships-as-easy-as-improv
Twitter: ryzeonline
James
Hey, Jason. Thanks for replying. I’m sorry to hear you had so many bad experiences, if I can call them that.
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Hehe, yeah, thanks so much man, I really appreciate it.
I wouldn’t trade ‘em for the world — they’re the best things that ever happened to me. Those experiences opened big doors
It’s kind of like the story of the Taoist Farmer, have you heard it?
Twitter: ryzeonline
Rae Higgins
Lot’s to think about. Great article!!
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
That’s how we roll, Rae!
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Michael Belk
Sonia, nice blog. I love your blog design and your topics are good as well.
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Great to have you hear, Michael! Sonia rocks!
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Sonia
Thanks Michael, I appreciate the kind words and visit.
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Sophie
Jason,
Haha love the title dude.
I was kinda confused when some blogger friends contacted me to promote their products which I, unfortunately don’t have any idea about their products at all.
I then replied them, I don’t promote things which I don’t personally use.
Since then, they deleted my comments in their blogs.
I didn’t give a damn
I have my own path
Soph.
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Thanks so much for sharing, Sophie. Glad you’re feelin’ it.
It’s pretty interesting that your people deleted comments when you took a stand — it’s a great way to find out who your ‘real friends’ are.
Sonia offered to promote my stuff, purely because she felt my message is strong and needs to be out in the world.
I don’t even have affiliate programs setup yet!
Real friends, real love. I’m feelin’ it. Thanks for being here.
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JTwisdom
I have really taken the time to see who really is there for me because I am through with the haters and the you can do that saying people. Some one who I would consider was an acquaintance asked me what I was planning on doing in regards to my dreams in fashion and they straight up laughed at me. From then on I tell my dreams, goals, etc. to people who are there for me and cheering me on and giving me constructive criticism. I could of easily tucked my head down and crawled into a hole but they don’t define who I am or what I have goals to be. I have a few close friends I can count on one hand but one friend who really understands where I am coming from.
The exercise was cool and was right on with what I thought where my friends and family members ranked.
Twitter: JTwisdom
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
JTWisdom (cool name), I love what you’re sharing here – and it sounds like you really get it
I’m glad we have people like you around, setting a good example
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Lee
Hi Jason in reality I expect we can all count our true friends on one hand. We all have more than that who we call friends but really they are more people we know or used to be friends who we have drifted apart from. Nobody needs more than a hand full anyway or you will get to bogged down.
Great read lee
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
Lee! Fantastic point you make.
If people get real honest with themselves, who among us has more than a handful of true-blue, really close friends, eh?
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Lee
Friends are the people you know who except you for who you are and what you do. People who don’t aren’t really your friends. But people you know. Your friends are people you can have a disagreement with and still talk to the day after.
Thanks lee
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
You said it, Lee! Keep ryzin’!
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jasz
Sometimes people can be somewhere in between, I know I am, on the one hand I want the safe life, because I just want some peace, but I want that so I can explore and experiment within that safety, I want the safe home where I can be whom ever I want and do whatever I want without being judged.
And I think fear is what drives a lot of people away from their dreams, fear of being rejected and fear of being disaproved of, fear of being alone in the end, I want to follow my dreams but I also want those I love to stick with me, so I do my best to find a way to do both, because I also believe that they won’t hate it so much but they’re just afraid and I just need to show them that it will be okay.
If people are not connecting, which I often am not, I think it is also because of fear, fear is what keeps people stuck in their ways, stuck in the familiar. And fear is no joke, I really don’t want to be held back by fear but it is hard, nonetheless I am still not giving up and I believe that I will find a way to work through my fears.
Jason Fonceca
Woo, Jasz! This is a great addition to the post.
There are many things in life that are a journey, a transition, you are right.
I love that you saw to the heart of this, and zero’d in on the part fear plays
Here’s a question though, is the difference between Fear and Love a journey, a transition, or is it a yes/no choice?
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jasz
Perhaps the difference between Fear and Love is just a choice, I don’t know this, because if I did why would I choose Fear over Love, I can’t imagine that Love is something ever to not be chosen.
I had to acknowledge my Fear before I could really do anything with it though, at first I was just angry and withdrawn and I am still very withdrawn and I have a lot of anger in me still, because I get very frustrated with all the walls I seem to run into, which apparantely I have build myself.
So this has been and still is as much a journey as a transition, I have been many places and I have talked to many people, read books, blogs, etc. I’ve had various strategies that didn’t work out so well in the long run and I’ve come to a point where I feel that I finally understand, I now recognize when I choose out of fear and when I choose out of love. Nonetheless I often get confused and still give in to Fear.
To be honest, I’m confused right now, I’m thinking: “I don’t know what Love is !” I haven’t a clue, there is some kind of hollywood version playing in my mind’s eye and it makes me wanna cry, I can be surrounded by Love and not know it, because of the bubble I’ve created for myself. Maybe that was an act of love though and it is still love that keeps me there, because I just want to prevent myself from getting hurt, or is that Fear more than it is Love ?
I’ll just keep searching and hopefully I can say that I’ve got it now, I do believe that my own experience and troubles will someday be of use, because it will help me understand others who are struggling in similar ways.
Jason Fonceca
You got it Jazs! The difference between love and fear IS a choice.
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And the only reason people don’t choose it, is because they’re confused and learning.
That’s okay, we all do sometimes
And you’re right again, no change can come without acknowledging our fears.
The fact that you’re even interested or pursuing this is soooo good, Jazs. Most people go through so much of their lives giving so little thought or attention to the power of fear, or love.
It’s all part of the journey. Take it easy on yourself, no one woke up today and said you had to Get It All.
When thing to note – Love doesn’t run from hurt or avoid it, love embraces it and transforms it.
The way you see your own experiences, in a positive light, turning them into something that helps others – that’s awesome, I love it Jazs, keep ryzing!
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jasz
tanx for the response, it put a smile on my face last night when I read it right before heading to bed. I’m glad you acknowledge my effort and journey with the confusion and learning. Not that I need your aproval of course, in reference to Jenny’s post about fear in entrepeneurship and how aproval addiction plays a part in that, it’s still nice to have some reassurance from an inspiring person when I’m not sure about things myself.
Keep at it
<3
Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca
I’m happy to encourage Jazs, and I *love* people who are free from need for approval. Awesome
I feel similarly, and I phrase it like this:
I love, Love, LOVE praise, recognition, attention, adoration, affection, connection, etc.
I really do.
And I get a nice boost of frustration from critics.
But neither of these two things ultimately affects my choices, decisions, and the way I follow my heart & wisdom.
Ryze Alive!
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